As always Ivan, excellent material. I must admit though, I was looking forward to a more twisted ending.

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 08/30/2006 02:22:27

SUCCESS IS:
At age 4 - not piddling in your pants
At age 12 - having friends
At age 17 - having a Drivers License
At age 35 - having money
^^^^^^^^^
At age 50 - having money
At age 70 - having a Drivers License
At age 75 - having friends
At age 80 - not piddling in your pants
^^^^^^^^^
Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that each day brings.

The above is not an original from me but nonetheless, one I thought worthwhile for all.

Tim

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 08/31/2006 08:40:06

This I got from a good friend Stu Hill (Chinks)
I know you all would enjoy. Live life to the fullest and always be a good human being.
Cheers,

Cherokee Wisdom
"One evening, an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. "He said, 'My son, the battle is between two wolves that dwell inside each of us. "'One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, seft-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
"'The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.' "
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, 'Which wolf wins?'" --

Answer: The one you feed.

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 08/31/2006 10:53:49

IVAN GREAT JOB.HOPE YOUR DOING WELL

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 09/07/2006 00:00:05

TIM,
GREAT SAYING

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 09/18/2006 05:11:10

THERS THIS LADY SHES 77 YEARS OLD SHE WAS AT THIS WEDDING HAVEING A GOOD TIME SHE HAD ART AND BEN THE SAME NIGHT SHE TURNED AROURND AS PEOPLE GATHERED AROUND HER.SHE SAAID IMEAN ARTRITIS AND BEN GFAY

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 09/22/2006 05:26:42

By John Dannelly 1957

I am stealing these from my wife's Inbox...
***
Remember: you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

***
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

***
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

***
Reporter interviewing a 104-year old woman. "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She replied, "No peer pressure."

***
My memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory is not as sharp as it used to be.

***
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

***
I've sure gotten old! I have had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I am half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation. Can't remember if I am 85 or 92. I have lost all of my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

***

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 10/05/2006 09:46:35

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car
videos around the country...

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, thatąs the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And ... THE BEST ONE!

#1 "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't - Sign here."

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 10/12/2006 08:36:40

Little Johnny's at it again.....

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 10/12/2006 01:29:04

this is a good thread IVAN
BROTHER BOB

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 10/23/2006 03:45:07

Why it's important to understand English:

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated....

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 10/25/2006 09:13:49

Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"It tell me, you dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent."

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 11/06/2006 10:57:22

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to
find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I
set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room,
where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon
as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll Down

You got Male!

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 11/10/2006 12:40:24

A woman brought her limp duck to the vet. She set it on the table and the vet took out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, he shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, your duck is dead."

How can you be so damn sure, you haven't done one damn test, he could be in a coma.
The vet rolled his eyes and went out and brought in a black Labrador.

The dog sniffed the duck, looked up with his sad eyes and shook his head and left.
Next the vet brought in a cat. The cat sniffed the duck from top to bottom, shook it's head, meowed and strolled off.

The vet said, "Sorry m'am but this duck is definitely 100% dead." and handed her a bill for a $150.00

"What the hell are you charging me a $150.00 for?" asked the woman. The vet replied. "The original bill would have been $20.00 but with
the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it's now $150.00."

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 11/10/2006 01:12:04

A woman takes her parrot in to the Doctor for a check up. The Doctor ask what kind of probem the bird is having. The woman says that the bird just stopped eating. The Doctor examines the animal and observes that its beak is overgrown. He says that it will cost $100 to file the beak down.
The lady says that is way too much to charge and decides to do it herself. The Doctor advises her that if she takes off too much of the beak, it will kill the bird, but she decides to do it anyway.
About a week passes and while shopping, the woman runs into the Doctor. The Doctor enquires about the bird and the woman says that the bird died.
The Doctor said that he warned her about taking off too much of the beak but the woman insisted that the bird was already dead by the time she removed its head from the vise.

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 12/07/2006 09:49:54

I would like to share with all what Brother Adams
sent to me .... Enjoy

Subject: A blond joke......

Football FINALLY makes sense. .

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 12/12/2006 09:45:32

Dedicated Capt. Herb and anyone in the Airline Family.

An oldie but still a goodie
Apologies to the blondes out there in advance!!

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who
belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy
place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, Im blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne
and I'm staying right here!' Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and
that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!" He goes back to the blonde,
whispers in her ear, and she says,
Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

This is why Captain Stebbins Makes the BIG $$$$$

Cheers....Ivan

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 01/04/2007 07:05:10

Those that are sensitive please don't be offended by this. This is from a very Beautiful LADY who is one of our Brother's Better Half.
This is called "The Birth of a Candy Bar"
One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVENUE.

He gave her a big HERSHEY KISS and began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLL! He let out a SNICKER and his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUCYFRUIT and caused a MILKY WAY. She screamed, "OH, HENRY!" as she squeezed his GOOBERS and made his MR. PEANUT BRITTLE. "Thats GOOD'N' PLENTY", MARY JANE said. "You're even better than the THREE MUSKETEERS."

Soon she was a bit CHUNKY

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 01/04/2007 07:08:32

and nine months later had BABY RUTH.

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 01/16/2007 10:31:01

These are dedicated to my Airline Brothers AKA
Capt. Herb and Commodore Terrence:

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

**************************************************************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

**************************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."

**************************************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."!
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

*************************************************************************************************

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 01/16/2007 11:08:39

Thanks Ivan. That is some funny stuff! How did you come by that?? The last one is my favorite.
Thanks again Pal.

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 01/16/2007 11:46:19

I got it from co-worker from FAA

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 01/31/2007 08:32:26

Subject: George Carlin's new rules for 2007

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team
is doing these days:
mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids:
lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a retard. When you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your
idols. When you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," Oooh, you're
a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, selecting 'Debit,' entering my PIN, pressing 'Enter,' verifying
the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter'
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Girls, just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And
it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember
the reason something was a television show in the first place is that
the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 01/31/2007 08:38:10

The above post was compliments of Capt. Herb
from Pat Sullivan .... Cheers, Ivan

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 02/06/2007 09:34:45

I bought a new 2007 Cadillac and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!" he said, "Nelson!"

The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Assholes!"

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks,
with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine,
Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this car!

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 02/06/2007 07:44:25

By Jerry '65

How about GW on skin flute and Dick Cheney on the red button? 00 000

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 02/07/2007 06:30:59

Please give me your home e-mail address Iven.

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 02/13/2007 09:56:04

Interesting! enjoy!

45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, lipo-suction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since
she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make
the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an
ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"

(Scroll down)

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 02/15/2007 08:50:31

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie
score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 02/18/2007 10:39:40

By Chuck Saunders 63

Ivan,

Don't think Ive had the pleasure of meeting you. Notice you mention FAA, I retired fom FAA after 37 yrs. You with them?

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 02/18/2007 02:07:50

By Terrence W. Grant

Chuck:

Good to have you on the site....Ivan a little slow these days as he has passengers stranded all over the place....he got his training at my old place Pan American

Terry 56

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 02/18/2007 09:16:11

By Chuck Saunders 63

Thanks Terry!

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 02/19/2007 01:38:55

Hi Chuck Sorry for the delay Terry is right old age is a problem we don't react with Jedy knight reflexes. I spent the majority of mi life with PAN AM in the early days and now with DOT HDQ.
We keep Marion Blakey (FAA Administrator) Funded etc etc. Were did you work?
I work with the office of Airline Information
keeping my old friends at the airlines in line.
good to hear from you it's my pleasure to meet you over this medium. Talk soon. Cheers, Ivan

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 02/19/2007 09:32:15

By Chuck Saunders 63

I was a controller then moved into management. Worked all over the place, ZJX, SJU, ZDV, ZAB, ZFW, Headquarters. If you ever flew for PamAm, probably talked to you.

Thanks for responding, hope to meet you someday.
I had an office in DOT for about 2 years, heck, we may even recognize each other.

Chuck

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 02/19/2007 10:50:38

By johnscopetta

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama
>himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a note in his own handwriting, to let
>him know he was still in the game. Kennedy opened the note, which appeared
>to contain a single line of coded message:
>
>370HSSV-0773H
>
>Kennedy was baffled, so he E-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry
>and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No
>one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With
>no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence
>for help.
>
>Within a few seconds, the Marines cabled back with this reply:
>"Tell Kennedy he is holding the message upside down."HELLO-ASSHOLE

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 02/19/2007 11:19:51

Kennedy would not be the only politician receiving such a message...it would most likely be broadcast to the entire Senate; with a side note "thanks for all your help"...

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 02/27/2007 00:50:48

By John Dannelly 1957

A Tau Delt from the Ponce de Leon High School class of 1939, now 86 years old, was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the old man a jar and said "Take this jar home and bring back a seman sample tomorrow."

The next day the 86-year old Tau Delt reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him a clean empty jar.

The doctor asked what happened and the Tau Delt explained, "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left hand, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out. Still nothing. We even had Josephine, the lady next door, come over to help. Josephine tried too. First with both hands, then her armpit. She even tried squeezing it between her knees. Still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked the woman next door to help?"

The old Tau Delt replied, "Yep. And none of us could get the damn jar open."

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 02/27/2007 09:34:36

By john scopetta 68

A stag golfer was playing a round of golf with his brothers and as the bets went up his game declined, getting desperate he used his last option he turned to God and said if you help me win the rest of the holes and take all my brother’s money I swear to you today I will never cheat on my wife again.

As fate would have it he played perfect the remaining holes and cleaned out his brothers pocket books.

Celebrating at the 19’Th hole he meets this beautiful barmaid and forgetting his promise he takes off with her for a little afternoon delight and so on.

Later driving home he is ridden with guilt and fear so he does the unthinkable.

HE DESIDES TO COME CLEAN AND TELL ALL TO HIS WIFE!!!!!!

As he is describing the events of the day he is watching his wife face fill with anger. As he finishes and awaits her response, his wife says.
“You expect me to believe that story”, you went out and played another 18 holes didn’t you?

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 02/27/2007 10:54:19

So the Stags golfing gang ended up in jolly old England for a golf outing.. not having a place to play, they were driving along and saw the most beautiful links and Clubhouse they ever saw.

They drove up to the Clubhouse and walked in where an old "Lord" type was sitting at a desk facing the door. He said to the guys, "Good morning gentlemen, may I help you".

Gaston said, "we all are over here and want to play some golf - how about a starting time old chap?" The Lord giggled and smirked and said "gentlemen, this is the most private of elite status courses and cannot be played by commoners"..

Gaston said - "I am not a 'commoner' Sir, I am a self made man as my Brothers here are - we have gained notoriety in every aspect of our lives by being frugal and humble; we have donated to many world wide beneficial causes; I myself have won many significant prizes such as the Nobel Prize for growing one hell of a Christmas Pine in the hot depths of Florida and my brothers here are noted for (amoung other things) awards such as the kIWANIS medal of honor, a Pulitzer PRIZE for writings about peace in the world, and of course, we have those with wellnoted athletic prowess. Many have traveled the world in search of HELPING humanity and are so successful, we have all even been bestowed the honor of Her Majesty's US Brethren in Arms - hence have been given the Title of Sir by your own Queen."

The Lord said - "you will have to come back later on early in the morrow and bring me some documentation".... Having figured out what the Lord meant, the next morning Gaston and crew showed up with a pine tree root and all the documents which had been fed-ex'd from the US overnight showing the honors bestowed upon all the Brothers...

The Lord fumbled through the information.. looked up at Gaston and said "Oh well, 9 holes."

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 02/27/2007 01:47:49

By John Dannelly 1957

The very ill man had completed six months of treatments and had returned to his physician for lab tests to determine if the treatments had been successful. The physician conferred with the patient's wife. "Your husband will live for at least several years, if: you keep him comfortable, wait on him hand and foot, feed him his favorite meals three times a day, give him sex anytime he wants sex but at least once every twelve hours."
After the doctor left the man asked his wife, "Well, what did the doctor say?"
"He said you were going to die."

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 03/16/2007 10:15:15

By john scopetta 68

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Herb.

They loaded up in Jack's Porsch and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.

"I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from.... "Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy.

I'm afraid I did.

Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? Now keep that smile for the rest of the day)

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 03/28/2007 09:17:23

The Hair Dryer
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her,

"Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course... what may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father... Next!"

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 03/28/2007 01:35:36

A MEDICAL PROBLEM
An old Stag Brother came into his doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription; Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset old Stag Brother marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down" said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 03/28/2007 02:12:35

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift.

So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbie's are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have:
Gymnasium Barbie: $19.95
Volleyball Barbie: $19.95
Shopping Barbie: $19.95
Surfer Barbie: $19.95
Disco Barbie: $19.95 and
Divorced Barbie: $299.95

Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie
$299.95 when all the other Barbie's are $19.95?"
Exasperated, the girl responds:
"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with":
Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewelry
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend...................

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 03/28/2007 04:06:02

Ivan, basically what your saying is "a Barbie" with Ken's STUFF.lol
Welllllll.......thats's to be expected......She caught him with G.I.Joe.

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 03/28/2007 07:20:48

By Gaston Ruiz (1968)

Senior Jokes??????????? we 68 Brothers , beating the CRAP out off the 66 guys in GOLF and the 50's guys in fishing...That was funny....face it Brothers we are the best......If only given the CHANCE, we make the 70's guys look just as bad....but they are not around to even compete.....

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 03/29/2007 09:19:24

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer ?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he Gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin . ... What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 03/29/2007 09:25:49

This is in fun so please don't be offended i'm sure none of the ladies who read this are guilty
of following.... Enjoy

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Of America Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

**********************************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 06/20/2007 03:01:01

By Tim Yero TDT65

Bringing back the good ol' days (sort of):

While walking to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six real old ladies lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit gross and unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On the way back from the store I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies were still there lying naked on the lawn.

This time I just had to go inside to talk to the manager (I think his name was Terry or something like that). "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," he said, "they're retired prostitutes,... they're having a yard sale."

LOL Tim TDT65

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 06/29/2007 12:01:46

The Mother-in-law stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home from golf. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

Tim TDT65

SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 07/02/2007 08:35:44

Guys:
This is a true account of a recent incident in Sarasota, Florida:

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why, .. it was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

** Moral of the story? **

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable!

Happy 4th Tim TDT65

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 07/02/2007 10:40:19

By senior jokes

same to you Tim and to all the Stag brothers and sisters and sponsers.

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 06/03/2008 12:00:18

Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:

1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.
2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go"
4) Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
8) Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.
10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.
14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

Happy Jetting to all...Ivan

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 08/04/2008 12:36:17

These are some personal observations, facts and quips to think about and hopefully make you smile!

1.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

2.. I Work Hard and pay a lot of taxes because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're all just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are out of order or missing.

10.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

11.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

12.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

13.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

14.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being buryed under it!

15.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

16.. Life is short, Procrastinate Now!

17.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

18.. According to my kids, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

19.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

20..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

21..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

22..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

23..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

24.. The real trouble with life is there's no background music.

25.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

36.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is really going on.

Have a great day! Tim TDT65

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 08/04/2008 09:40:43

By Jerry '65

Thanks TimY, I think everyone's brain is tired !!

Jerry STAGS '65

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 08/05/2008 09:54:17

and what brains would that be ? - have not noticed many lately!

(I think everyone is asleep or just waiting to see just how bad the Dolphins will be this year -oh well, another season! Go Marlins.)..

Tim TDT65

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 09/06/2008 08:45:04

By JERONIMO

COME OUT OF TEPEE….LOOK SMOKE BOX….GEN. GEORGE WANT WAR….JERONIMO WARNED HE KEEP GEORGE BUZY….SO HERE WE GO GEORGE….YOU SEE JERONIMO EVERY WHERE…LOOK OUT WINDOW YOU SEE JERONIMO….YOU LOOK IN SOUP YOU SEE JERONIMO….AT NIGHT YOU HAVE JERONIMO NIGHTMARE….JERONIMO GO BACK INTO TEPEE….DONT SMOKE PEACE PIPE THIS TIME

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 10/07/2008 08:00:00

For those of 'us' that have kids in college - or paid for their college in the past... a new look at how you may have spent your money! (Hope not!).

Tim TDT65

'Ol Blue

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!'

'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send him down here with $1,000' the young cowboy says. 'I 'll get him in the course.'

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son ?' his father asks.
'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he says, 'but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!'

'Read!' says his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'

'Dad, 'the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked , 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that dog before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'!
'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a lawyer...

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 10/14/2008 10:19:36

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago,
it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have
$49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all
the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advise is to drink
heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

Cheers, Ivan

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 10/14/2008 12:45:27

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
Per the Doctor, the only skin on her body he felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they
requested that the doctor also honor their secret; and went ahead with the surgery.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He received tons of compliments; he looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just ranted and raived on and on about his new youthful appearance.

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was
overcome during a tender moment with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you did for me. "How can I possibly repay you?" he asked.

'My darling' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your Mother kiss you on the cheek.' !!

Tim TDT65

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 10/20/2008 12:55:03

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as:
Football 5.0,
Formula One 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 10/22/2008 09:32:29

ENJOY THIS ONE,

This is a recipe to restore confidence in the economy ......

How the bail out works. Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad News, the donkey died.' Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him? Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.' Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs.

CHEERS, iVAN

Re: SENIOR JOKES AND FUN

Posted at 10/24/2008 07:40:02