David, how did I miss this??
That's just what I neaded. Funny as Hell!!!
Hope you and your wife are doing well.
I love your humor. Don't venture too far away.
Herb

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Posted at 05/07/2007 10:17:59

Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"
"How shocking!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment. "You
know, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking
parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two
parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and
Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time"
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he
ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage,
holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed
the female parrots in the cage. Immediately, the female parrots cried out
in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the
other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Posted at 05/07/2007 10:40:05

Good one Ivan:

The President and the Vice President were at breakfast in the White House when the waitress asked VP Cheney what he wanted for breakfast.
Cheney replied with " I think I'll just have some cereal and coffee, thanks."

The waitress asked George W what he wanted.
W replied "I think I want a little quikie this morning."

The waitress stormed off saying, "your getting to be too much like Clinton."....

Cheney turned to the President and said "George, it's pronounced 'quiche'...!!).

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Posted at 05/10/2007 08:10:52

CREATION

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

“Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

“Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty year life span.”

The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

“You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

“Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.

”But the man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, "You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Posted at 06/20/2007 08:28:38

What will my son be???

An old-time southern, Hell fire & brimstone country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted
to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his
father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whiskey and
- a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he
comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see
which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going
to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be
a no-good, low down drunkard, and, Lord, help me....

What a shame that would be. And worst of all.....

If he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a
skirt-chasin', no good bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his
son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects
on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly
whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

Cheers to all!

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Posted at 08/24/2007 11:46:27

Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID
badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie.. "You know how I work....You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy... "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK! I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says..."I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Posted at 11/28/2007 10:59:40

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of
the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of
the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't
believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they
actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole
Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that
program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into
the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way
through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father
again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results with this program that
they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in
that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the
money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find
out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all
excited..
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read
something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked
back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually
does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin'
around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to
your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"
(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Posted at 11/29/2007 07:09:02

*******************KARMA**************************

A women and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll juust wait for the police..."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever....
DON'T MESS WITH THEM

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Posted at 11/29/2007 01:17:24

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.

The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To : My Loving Wife

Subject : I've Reached

Date : 17 oct 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.

I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow

Cheers, Ivan

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Posted at 01/08/2008 10:08:27

By espn

THE ER DOCTORS AND STAFF , REMOVING PUNTERS SHOE FROM HIS REAR END AFTER THE BIG GAME.....

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Posted at 01/11/2008 08:15:00

Why does everyone quit school in the 6th grade in West Virginia?

So they can be a teacher in Kentucky...

Tim TDT65

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Posted at 01/11/2008 06:11:59

By Jerry '65

That the U.S.A. will ever have a President and Congress that really cares about the people that are starving here and all over the world. Sorry, my mistake, it isn't a joke. Don't let me stop the posts on this site!!!!!!

Love all you guys!
And a bunch more people I don't even know yet.

Jerry

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Posted at 01/14/2008 07:44:15

Jerry:
Wrong message board for that post...
as long as you did one here's another wrong one... even though, it is a joke.

As long as we have Bill Gates (who has most of our money along with the oil guys is the Sahara) we will be ok in the world giving arena. Madona, Jolie/Brad and Oprah are taking care of all the worlds kids. As far as giving to those in need in the USA, it is obviously not the Government's duty nor place to take care of poor or sick people - it is those who have the money - the kings and queens. In the USA, that's the rich people not the middle class taxpayers.

Pretty good joke I'd say!

Tim TDT65

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Posted at 03/11/2008 06:28:28

I was looking for the right thread to put this on and this seemed to be the closest.....but it's not a joke, it's the truth. Before I start, I'm sure most of you have heard of the TV show called the "The Apprentice" staring Donald and Ivanka Trump. Also Mr. Trump's corporate airplane is based in LaGuardia Airport.
I will start now. Yesterday I was flying into LaGuardia Airport in New York. It was a beautiful day with clear skies and unrestricted visability. They were landing on Runway 31 and were issuing visual approaches. This means that you follow the aircraft ahead of you and maintain your own separation from them. Donald Trumps B-727 was leading the pack with USair behind him and I was behind USair. We were all given a certain airspeed to fly but Trump's pilot decided to slow further. This put the USair pilot a bit closer to him then he would have liked. The approach was still doable as expressed by the USair pilot only if Trump's plane could exit quickly off the runway. As I was making the turn to final approach I could see Trump's plane touching down and slowing rapidly on the runway. For some reason when he exited the runway he stopped a bit short of the taxiway and his tail was still protruding out on the runway. There he decided to stop and the Air Traffic Controller told the USair flight to go-around and abandon his approach. So the USair pilot did just that and pulled up and went around. During a goaround pilots are very aware of the work load of the pilot going around and normally stay off the radio until instructions are received by the controller. There was dead silence on the radio for about ten seconds (keep in mind that Donald Trump likes to listen to Air Traffic communications and is normally sitting in the cockpit for all takeoffs and landings...most pilots know this)

Then the USair pilot spoke for the first time.....in a very calm and deliberate voice he said "Mr. Trump...You're Fired"
The laughter in the Control Tower was like nothing I had heard before and very uncommon for New Yorkers.
When I exited the runway both myself and my flying partner could barely communicate with the Ground Controller. We couldn't stop laughing.
Usually ATC communications are very serious and to the point. This was sure different.

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Posted at 03/12/2008 09:16:24

Herb:
That was a great story... but I really thought you were going to say the planes eventually pulled up next to each other, you drove bye , shot Trump's plane a bird out of your cockpit window, while saying 'you're fired.' (That would have been more Stags like!

Your story is just as visual and a really great laugh to break what must have been a pretty stressful time for all.
Tim TDT65

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Posted at 05/21/2008 01:58:14

THE VERY FIRST BLONDE GUY JOKE:

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing constuction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,"corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

Thw Mexican opened his lunch box and Exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said,"Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch , saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped to his death.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said:

"DON'T LOOK AT ME...HE MAKES HIS OWN LUNCH."

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Posted at 10/07/2008 02:10:37

By Carlos Villalta

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10 . Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15 . Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Posted at 10/07/2008 06:54:18

By Gaston Ruiz ( 1968 )

After the speech in Berlin , Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.
In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to give up his hopes to be president, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Obama, and told him to drink it all.

Obama drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like bullshit!'

The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Posted at 10/10/2008 02:24:41

I saw this and just have to share it with you guys... some of you may have already seen it. In these trying days, a little humor may help (something must, might as well be this!):

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS:

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my financial advisor has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- The idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected and has moved to Costa Rica with your money.

MARKET CORRECTION -- Occurs the day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears from your account to down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you are the sucker who bought Yahoo @$240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Former investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Tim TDT65

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Posted at 10/29/2008 11:46:02

By Carlos Villalta

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening Dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
Has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but
I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. .

Today you voted.'

Re: JOKE OF THE DAY

Posted at 11/07/2008 07:53:55